Heart, Hand, Head: Why Some Parenting Moments Feel Easy—and Others Don’t

This is the final post in a 4-part series on NeuroRelational Care's Heart, Hand, and Head.

If you’ve been following our Heart, Hand, and Head series, you already know these three interpersonal modes shape every interaction you have with your child. They are the ways you connect (Heart), do things together (Hand), and think together (Head). And if you’re a practitioner who works with children and families, these modes shape your interactions, too.

When all three are in balance, you feel grounded. You respond instead of react. Your child feels nurtured rather than managed. And you access the part of yourself that can be flexible, attuned, and wise.

The moments when your Heart, Hand, or Head slip out of balance can feel chaotic, confusing, or unusually emotional—and it’s easy to assume you “should” be doing better.

Here’s the part parents are rarely taught:

**When your Heart, Hand, or Head is out of balance, it’s not a personal flaw.**

It’s a sign that your nervous system is overwhelmed.

Each mode shows overwhelm in a different way.

What Dysregulated Heart Looks Like

When Heart is regulated, you can stay steady, warm, and connected—even when your child is upset.

When Heart is dysregulated, Heart collapses into feeling like a victim, or it over-identifies with the child’s feelings, absorbing their distress instead of anchoring it.

This can look like:

• spinning in your own hurt (“Why is this so hard for me?”)

• reacting to your child’s emotion instead of from your own center

• getting swept into the storm instead of helping to steady it

Heart loses its footing, again, not because of a parent's inherent failings, but because the nervous system is overloaded.

What Dysregulated Hand Looks Like

When Hand is regulated, you guide, scaffold, and support your child’s actions at a pace they can handle.

When Hand is dysregulated, Hand rushes in, takes over, or pushes too hard. It becomes urgent, controlling, or over-directive—trying to change the child instead of supporting them.”

This can look like:

• fixing or rescuing too quickly

• micromanaging transitions

• pushing an agenda the child isn’t ready for

• acting from urgency rather than attunement

Hand moves too fast because your body is signaling danger, even when none is present.

What Dysregulated Head Looks Like

When Head is regulated, you can reflect, think clearly, ask good questions, and problem-solve collaboratively.

When Head is dysregulated, Head distances, detaches, or becomes rigid. It moves out of relationship to cope when overwhelm is high.

This can look like:

• shutting down emotionally

• going blank or distant

• intellectualizing the moment instead of staying connected

Head pulls away because the nervous system is trying to conserve energy.

This Happens to both Parents and Practitioners Under Stress

Under stress, most nervous systems react this way. These patterns don’t mean something is wrong with you; they mean your system is overloaded. And this applies not only to parents, but also to practitioners who support children and families. Overload affects anyone in a caregiving or helping role because all of us are working through the body we’re in.

And here’s the real turning point:

A regulated nervous system is the foundation for a balanced Heart, Hand, and Head.

Regulation gives you:

• the steadiness to stay connected (Heart)

• the patience to guide rather than control (Hand)

• the clarity to think reflectively rather than reactively (Head)

When your nervous system is grounded, your best parenting capacities come back online—naturally.

Which Brings Us to What’s Next…

This Thursday, we’re beginning live classes on Module 2: Transforming Your Emotional Experience.

This module focuses on your nervous system—what ramps it up, what shuts it down, and what helps it return to steady ground.

You’ll learn:

• How to recognize your early signs of dysregulation

• How to recover your stability quickly

• How to stay anchored enough to access Heart, Hand, and Head in real time

When you know how to regulate your own nervous system, you don’t have to wrestle with your Heart, Hand, or Head. They fall into balance on their own.

When you nervous system shifts, your child detects it immediately. Their nervous system then shifts along with yours, every single time.

Join the course and, starting this Thursday, hop into our live classes twice a month for Module 2: Transforming Your Emotional Experience.

And if you're a practitioner, join the Bloom Community for the monthly Practitioner Community of Practice to get help balancing your Heart, Hand, and Head in your work with caregivers.