Heart, Hand, and Head: Bringing All Three Parts of Ourselves to Parenting & to the Work

This month and next, we’re highlighting a key concept in NeuroRelational Care (NRC): the use of Heart, Hand, and Head. These three interpersonal modes shape how we show up for our own children, and if you're a practitioner, the children and families we work with. Our own regulation influences how well we express these modes--whether we can support regulation in others or add to the dysregulation around us.

In NRC, Heart, Hand, and Head represent the three core ways we engage in relationship:

Heart is the place of compassion, warmth, and empathy. It’s what allows us to truly see the people we serve. But when our own nervous system becomes dysregulated, Heart can lose its center. Instead of compassion, we may slide into over-accommodation—letting others run over our boundaries, taking on too much, or confusing being kind with being compliant.

Hand is the part of us that guides, holds structure, and sets direction. We use Hand when we offer limits, plans, and clarity. Yet when we’re stressed or depleted, Hand can tighten into control. It becomes demanding, directive, or judgmental. A good clue that we’ve slipped into this mode is when our inner voice starts saying, “If they would just…”

Head brings reflection and curiosity. It’s where we slow down to think together—partnering with families to make sense of patterns and possibilities. But when dysregulation takes hold, Head can retreat. We disconnect, intellectualize, or distance ourselves in the name of professionalism.

Healthy practice integrates all three. Heart keeps us human, Hand gives us direction, and Head helps us think and collaborate. When we notice ourselves leaning too heavily on one, it’s not a failure—it’s information. It’s our nervous system signaling that we, too, need care and regulation.

Our presence is our most powerful tool. The more we can tend to Heart, Hand, and Head in ourselves, the more gracefully we can offer them to others.

Which of the three do you tend to lead from when work feels hard?